Saturday, November 4, 2017

Buckle Up!

It is a quiet Sunday morning.  The animals are all being good.  Bernie is at work.  The house is peaceful.  Outside, there is fog.  But, I know that the fog is going to lift soon and the skies will be crystal clear, the sun will shine, and the Fall colors will be stunning.  I hope this happens quickly.  My mood is dark and sad this morning.  I am crying.  I thought all this darkness and anger was gone.  Will it ever be?
What happened?  I felt so free and light when I made my journey to the past at the haunting City of Mary.  (Here comes the anger.)  What was it that I did that brought it back?  Was it visiting with others who have left?  Was it all the thoughts of family as Bernie's sister was treated for a possible heart attack at 67?  Hoping she would be ok, but then again, struggling with the feelings I have for how her family has treated Bernie.  Was it doing the kind act of sending her a beautiful bouquet of flowers anonymously, telling her that we were praying for her?  I am not sure...because it's been a few weeks since I started to again feel angry and hateful towards "them".  Or, it might have been the fact that, while I was recovering from my surgery, I binge watched the entire first season of "The Handmaid's Tale".  Or, it might be the occasion when I searched for something on YouTube and Pivarunas' pompous face was staring back at me from the feed along the sideline.  WHAT THE F---???  WHAT THE F---?  Seriously!  It might have ended there.  Might have.  But, the SICK curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to see what he had to say ON YOU TUBE, for God's sake!  So, I clicked on it.  Then, instantly, the whole sidebar was full CMRI, Pivarunas, Puskorius, Radecki --- bull shit.  All such bull shit.  But, why couldn't I help myself?  Now I know what they mean by the moth being drawn to the flame.  I was the moth... sucks.  Oh yeah, and there was YouTube of the dedication of Sr B's church back in New Hampshire. I only watched a couple minutes of it - because I couldn't stand to see all those holier than thou people, all better than me.  But, before I left, I had to leave a comment.  And it went something like - how beautiful.  Too bad they aren't really Catholic.  I made sure the reader would know that it is MY sister who is running the show back there, and how I wished that I could make her see the light.  But, because we are both so sensitive, it is something we can't talk  about.  I left comments on a couple other YouTube posts, and made sure that they knew my last name - because Bernie's twin cousins are priests in this sect. 
And, so, this morning I sit here crying.  But, did I bring this on myself?  Is it my fault that I went and looked at that crap?  I suppose it is.  But, I am so angry that they are still getting away with lying to everyone they meet about the state of MY Catholic Church, my Catholic Faith. And, I want to scream!  I want to scream from the rooftops that they are lying.  They are simply repeating the same words francis schuckardt said to them when they were under his "training"... seriously, as I listened to some of their speeches (which were sickeningly recorded and posted there) I heard THE EXACT SAME PHRASES, EXAMPLES, etc... that I had heard when I was a teenager at the summer seminars.  I WANT SO BADLY FOR THE GULLIBLE PEOPLE WHO FALL FOR THEIR SCHPIEL TO KNOW THIS.
I know I can't save people from falling for it.  But, it makes me so so angry, and I want them to stop!  I want them to be exposed for the liars and manipulators that they are.
Why do I care, I ask myself?  WHY. DO. I. CARE.???  And, I actually came up with an answer:  Because they robbed me of my childhood.  They took away my teenage years.  They totally ripped my family apart.  But, most of all - it's all wrapped up in one - they took a HUGE portion of my life, and I am angry.  I am approaching 60 - yes, the years I have left are fewer than those behind me.  How do I make up for all that I have lost?  This saddens me.  It makes me cry softly to myself as I sit here with Max & Kitty and listen to music from the 70's - my teenage years, which passed me by.... How do I make up for it?  How do I let all that anger go?  I thought it was gone. 

Back to work.....

6 comments:

  1. Francie,

    Trust God! It's easy for me to say "Let it Go!" but I know it is very hard to do. Think about how Jesus forgave the woman caught in adultery - He said "did anyone condemn you? ... Neither do I. Go & sin no more!" They will have to face HIM! He will judge fairly. For your sake & sanity, let HIM handle it. Love you my friend! Karla

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Karla, my friend. Some days it's easier than others.

      Delete
  2. Francie, you are such a good writer and I look forward to reading more. If you need any more help with the technical part, just let me know!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Megan, Thank you so much for your amazing and speedy help getting this set up!!
      Next time, crepes!

      Delete
  3. Boy, this brought back memories! It makes me sad and this evening I shed tears for lost years! My thoughts and love are with you! Sometimes these memories are confusing and makes me feel anxious about my eternity! What's right or wrong? All I know is doing what is right for my family and getting to Heaven! Happiness is always within our reach! All we have to do is grab it! My life has always gone back to those days and my inner child cries and then stores it away as not to upset our lives in away that takes away instead of enhancing it! I love your 7 rules! It makes for a happier and well balanced life!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Cindy! Yes, you & your siblings had a whole boatload of hardship and sadness in your young lives. We can't go back, and it will never go away. Fortunately, life is good for us now - but, the path to getting to where we are has not been easy. You have an amazing spirit, my friend, for all that you have endured. I agree with you. We just need to love God, and do what is right for our families, and take care of those less fortunate than us. Blessings!

      Delete