It is odd.
Sometimes, I sit and wonder how things might have been so different.
What if my mother had never had the misfortune of meeting francis schuckardt?
What if?
How would my life have been different? Would I have gone to college? What would I have studied? What would I have become?
I wonder about these things from time to time.
Tonight, June 11, 2018: I am sitting on the patio of my son's home in Hillsboro, Oregon. The family is fast asleep. Traffic is buzzing by on the highway out front. I am situated on a gliding bench in the rear of the house. 2 acres of land stretches behind me. There is a river back there somewhere. I hear the sounds of the evening birds and insects. I don't want to go to sleep. I am enjoying the beauty of all of this. Somehow, right now, I don't want to remember where I've come from. Life is good right now. I am cherishing this moment.
Would it have been different if I had gone to college? What would I have become? When I was a little girl, I wanted to be one of two things. Promise not to laugh? I wanted to either be a waitress or a librarian. I loved how the librarians back in the 60's used those really cool stamps to indicate when my book was due. And, I loved fantasizing about taking an order from someone who was hungry. Hey! Give me a break! I was little and innocent and had not yet been exposed to the cruelties of the world!
When I got older, I thought it would be so cool to study psychology. What is it that makes people do the things they do? This was not meant to be, because in the cult of francis schuckardt, women had either one of two roles: a religious sister, or a wife & mother ---women did not need education.
And so - I am grateful for the life that I have. I am not going to look back with any regrets. My gosh! I met Bernie, the love of my life. We had both come through the same horrific experiences of growing up in a destructive cult. Together, we had three amazing, wonderful, loving sons. They, together with their dad and their significant others, are the reasons I love life. And, then there are Sullivan and Cassidy. My heart can barely contain the love they generate within me.
So, what would I change for what I have now? Absolutely nothing. God is great. My family is everything to me.
