Yes, Sister.

Why didn't I just say no?
Why didn't I refuse when told to bend over and take whacks?
Why did I put my gum on my nose when caught chewing gum? 
Why did I cover all my hair under my veil for 2 weeks when I was told I had too much hair showing?
Why did I let them throw away my John Denver music when they told me it was too worldly?
Why did I let myself be humiliated for using to much Scotch tape on my May crown?
Why didn't I just say no?

Others were braver and bolder than I.  They pretty much told the nuns to shove it.  I remember my friend, Tina, just walking out of the makeshift schoolhouse and walking away down the road.  I was thinking today - who do I admire?  I admire Tina for doing that.  It took guts.
I admire all of those stood up to authority and said no, not going to do it.
Why didn't I?  I was so scared, for years & years & years.  Bernie would tell you that I still am.  I would defend myself by saying now the fears are more real.  I don't want harm to come to my boys or daughters in law or my grandchildren.  I want them all to be happy.
I had no one to stick up for me.  My Dad had no idea what was going on behind the scenes, and I didn't tell him.  I prayed for him to be converted.  THANK GOD HE NEVER WAS CONVERTED TO THAT INSANITY!
Bernie and I were talking today.  I was talking to him about the time my mom called me in to tell me that the Radecki's were hiding out at our house in Montana.  Of course, I had assumed she was going to tell me that she and my Dad were getting a divorce.  What I told Bernie was that IF that had been what she told me, there would have been NO question about whether or not I would go live with my Dad.  No question.   Looking back today, my heart wishes they had.  My little Francie heart wishes that I could have had that choice to go and live with my Dad, where life would have been so different.  But, my Dad was a noble and gentle soul, and he put up with the craziness.  Little did he know.....
Still, I wonder WHY.... I am literally shaking my head as I type this.  What made Tina brave enough to walk out the door and down the road?  What made me cower and succumb to their every wicked command?  I wish I knew. 
And now I smile.  My life is not over.  I am strong now.  I would lay down my life for my family.  And if you try to mess with them, watch out.  Maybe it's been building up over a lifetime.  Not sure.
But, it makes me sad for that little girl who had such sparkle, such potential.

Trouble A-Plenty With A Mix of Fun

1974 began with a bang, you might say.  Mom had driven to Kalispell and packed up my sister, Pauline, along with her 5 children and spirited them away to Coeur d'Alene.  My sister's husband, the father of the 5 children, simply came home to an empty house on the evening of January 24.  It didn't take him long to figure out where his family had gone.  Mom had been working on my sister for months to join the group, for the good of her soul.  In my sister's defense, I think she was simply worn out and not thinking things through.  She had had babies in 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, and 1973.  She had a huge garden every year, and canned tons of food to put away for her family.  My sister, Sue, remembers visiting PeeWee (that's what we called her) in the summer of 1973.  She was very, very pregnant with her 5th child, and she was out working in the garden.  But, her kids - oh, gosh!  How I loved her kids!  So, when Mom showed up at the Villa with PeeWee and the kids, my heart was so happy.  The girls at the Villa also fell in love with these little ones.

It wasn't long before Jerry started trying to get in touch with his family.  However, since my sister was now a member of our cult, everything was dictated by schuckardt.  He did not consider their marriage valid in the eyes of the church since it had taken place before a Justice of the Peace.  Pauline was not to see Jerry.  He was the enemy.  I remember him coming to the door of the Villa Maria, and knocking and ringing the doorbell, and being told to go away, my sister didn't want to see him.  One time, someone distracted him while Pauline and I took the kids and ran a few blocks to the home of another cult member, to hide them.  He found us and tried to get her to talk to him, but she would not.  It is sad now.  It was terrifying then. 

Jerry was persistent, though.  One day, as we were all walking home from our lengthy church services, a car drove by, Jerry jumped out and grabbed his daughter, Wendy.  He took her into the car with him and off they drove.  Wendy was 6 years old.  It was gut-wrenching for us.  Wendy was now in the hands of someone under the influence of the devil.  What to do?  For some time, Pauline and the kids were sheltered by a wonderful family on Ramsey Road.  I am not sure how long they stayed there.  After they left there, with guidance from schuckardt, Pauline tried to come up with a plan where she could go with the kids and hide away.  Jerry's family had a cabin at Ashley Lake in Montana, and she thought that she and I could go there with them.  I was kind of excited about that adventure, but as it turned out, schuckardt said no. In the meantime, Jerry had pursued legal action.  He showed up at the Villa one day with the police and a court order.  There was nothing we could do.  The kids were gone.  Our hearts were sad.  My sister, who had been nursing her 5 month old baby girl, cried and cried.  And, when her breasts swelled with milk for her little girl, she cried more.  They were gone.  Back to Montana with their Dad. 

It was not the first time situations like this had arisen in our cult.  schuckardt, ever the puppet master, dictated what should be done.  In the case of Pauline, he told her that she could return to live with the children and their father in Kalispell.  The "only" catch was that they could not live as husband and wife.  She would have to have a separate room.  And so, she returned to Kalispell, continuing to follow the dictates of a madman in Idaho.  And it was springtime, 1974.

Life at the Villa Maria returned to the regular routine before the 5 little kids had become part of our lives.  I turned 16 in April, and my big celebration was that friends gave me a box of Ritz, a 6 pack of Coke, and M&M's.  Dad came out to visit us for the Easter weekend, and I made him an apple pie.  I had never made pie crust before, and I was crying out of frustration at how difficult it was.  When he ate that pie, he told me, "Sis, this is the BEST pie crust I have ever had."  What a guy! 

In our group, there was a religious organization for young women called Handmaids of Mary.  You had to write a letter explaining why you should be allowed to join.  Then, you had to be approved and accepted.  It was kind of elite to get in.  You knew you were REALLY good if you got to wear the special dresses and sashes that the Handmaids wore.  It took me awhile to get in.  Shocking!  On my first try, I made the mistake of talking when I wasn't supposed to, and got paddled and kept on silence from my best friend for a year.  (We were supposed to have been admitted the next day!)  Anyway, during the summer this group of girls would get to go on various outings with a few of the nuns.  One of the places that they often went was to our farm in Montana.  They'd spend a day at Glacier Park, a day at Flathead Lake, and maybe a day back at the farm, climbing the hills behind the house.  It was fun.  I liked having company.  Most of my best friends were part of the Handmaids.  But, this summer would be different.  At the end of the summer, quite a number of them were going to be entering the convent.  I was really sad, because once they walked through that door, it was pretty much like the rest of us were dead to them.  I had formed really strong friendships, and school wouldn't be the same without them.  Oh, they would still come to the classes we took, but they couldn't look at us or talk to us.  Fun times, for sure.  I was not looking forward to it.

Summer passed and I survived yet another Espiritu Seminar at Twin Lakes, Idaho.  My friends had already left and joined the convent.  Life went on.  Same crap.  Different day.  Rinse.  Repeat.

In the fall of that year, the girls from the Villa Maria, and the girls who attended school there had a celebration for saints they honored during the month of October.  One of those saints is the archangel, Raphael.  In the Catholic church, he is an angel some folks ask to help them find a suitable mate for marriage.  I LOVED Raphael!  All I had ever wanted to do was get married and have a family.  However, marriage was discouraged.  Seriously.  schuckardt told us that very, very few people were called to the state of matrimony.  Most were meant to be nuns or brothers.  Everyone knew exactly how I felt about that!  No way was I meant to be a nun.  No way was I called to be a nun.  I was counseled that I had a very generous heart, and it would not be possible for me to include God in my life if I chose to marry and have children.  My heart was meant to be shared only with Christ.  During that celebration in October of 1974, I caved.  I said, "Fine.  I will give you my life, God."  And, on January 23, 1975, I along with 2 friends, entered the Convent.

And now, I have to go have a glass of wine!

To Insanity and Beyond, 1973

After the summer of 1973, Mom and I returned to Coeur d'Alene.  The Villa Maria was still in the same house at the corner of Indiana Avenue and 5th Street.  Of course, before school began, we were all required to attend the Espiritu Seminar at Twin Lakes camp.  Another week of lengthy lectures from francis schuckardt and various religious people about the imminent end of the world, the tortures we would all endure if we were to maintain our Faith, and the punishment that we would suffer if we were to deny our beliefs.  Hours & hours on our knees.  Hours & hours on wooden benches with no back rests.  Hours & hours of intense supervision.  30 minutes a day of "recreation", where we were allowed to talk to one another.  That was it.  There were probably 150 girls - and the bathroom situation was dire.  We were allowed 3 minutes to shower, and certainly not every day.  In the evening, after our day of indoctrination was done, we would stand in line in silence outside the bathrooms, waiting for our turns to wash our face and brush our teeth.  One night, in the extreme darkness, I was approached by one of the women appointed to be one of our counselors.  She pulled me aside and told me that she could see through my skirt.  I needed to get a thicker slip to wear.  I was in disbelief.  IN THE DARK, SHE COULD SEE THROUGH MY SKIRT.  The insanity of this now, as I recall it, just makes me shake my head.  It could easily be a fiction movie, couldn't it?  And, little did I know what was going on behind the scenes during this particular seminar of 1973.  Just wait until I fill you in.  It will blow your mind.

The school year began at the Villa Maria.  Every morning, after breakfast, we would set up the desks in the living room for our classes that day.  The bus would arrive and bring girls who lived near the City of Mary.   Religion class was usually first, as I recall.  Then, probably English and Math.  A lovely woman named Clare Krug succumbed to the charisma of schuckardt.  She was single and a retired teacher.  She moved to Coeur d'Alene and soon began teaching us English.  I really liked her.  She was stylish - as much as one could be - and she was real.  (She didn't last long!)  Nuns who had no education higher than 12th grade were trying to teach us French, Algebra, Geometry, etc.... If you were REALLY smart, then Dale Pivarunas would teach you Trigonometry!  (Thank God I never qualified!)

Mom still ran the Villa Maria, cooking and taking care of the household stuff.  And, again, it was just the 2 of us in our little room there.  Agnes was gone to the convent.

In November, when it was time for us to go home for Thanksgiving with Dad, Mom pulled me into our room and said, "Francie, there is something that I have to tell you before we go home."  I was, once again, numb.  I thought the time had come.  Dad could no longer support this insanity, and they were getting a divorce.  I was prepared for her to tell me that.  Instead, she told me this:  "The Radecki's needed a place to hide from their Dads, who were looking for them, and they have been at our place in Kalispell since September."  ..........  What did she just say?  I was all prepared for a divorce, and now this?  I was elated.  My Dad was not alone anymore.  He had company.  (I had NO idea who the Radecki's were!)  So, I was happy.  Mom & I boarded a Greyhound bus and set out for Kalispell for Thanksgiving.  I was super excited, because my sister, Pauline, had had her baby in September, and I was anxious to meet little Maria.  But, disappointment set in hard when we got to Bonners Ferry, and we were told the bus line to Kalispell was not running on the holiday.  Mom called home and filled Dad in.  We spent the night in a hotel in Bonners Ferry, and the next day my brother in law, Jerry O'Neil, rented a plane and a pilot, and flew to Bonners Ferry to bring us home.
We had a great Thanksgiving with family - and then....... then we went to our farm where the Radecki's were "hiding out".  The Radecki's were:  Catherine, with her 2 youngest children, Martha & Bernie; and Emily Radecki, with her identical twin sons, Mark & Mike.

Remember - it was strictly forbidden for boys & girls to spend time together.  So, I spent time with Martha, sledding and competing over who got to hold baby Maria Jennifer O'Neil.  The Radecki boys - well, I don't know what they were up to.  Bernie, at that time, was only 13.  I thought that he was hysterical.  He kept himself busy at our farm working on pieces of wood - whittling little guns and things - and, being 13, his voice was changing and I found it immensely entertaining listening to him. There was NO sign whatsoever at that point of any attraction between us.   I was so happy that my dad had people there to keep him company.

In early January 1974, the Radecki's left and returned to Coeur d'Alene.  I guess they figured that their Dads had given up looking for them for the time being.  A lawsuit was brewing.  Two Radecki brothers, Joe & Henry, had sued the schuckardt church for alienation of affection.  As members of the cult, we spent hours and hours on our knees asking for God to protect us from these sources of evil.  Initially, the Radecki brothers won.  However, in appeals, they lost.  schuckardt was victorious in continuing to persuade the vulnerable to follow him and his radical beliefs.  schuckardt was victorious in continuing to break up families.  schuckardt was victorious in continuing to convince people, particularly middle aged women, to leave all behind and follow him.  He was, after all, leading them all to God. 

Late January, 1974.  She had given me not hint about what she was about to do.  But, what joy it brought me!  My mother, and her dear friend, Irene, drove to Kalispell in late January to bring my sister, Pauline, and her 5 children to sanctuary within our cult.  I was surprised, but I was so happy to have my nieces & nephew there with me.  Mom brought them to the Villa Maria.  All of the girls fell in love with these adorable little children.... but, it was only the beginning of what these children would endure because their mother had fallen victim to the ideologies of a cult leader, and their father saw through the insanity of it all.....And, as I type this, again..... I shake my head......