Monday, February 26, 2018

Yes, Sister.

Why didn't I just say no?
Why didn't I refuse when told to bend over and take whacks?
Why did I put my gum on my nose when caught chewing gum? 
Why did I cover all my hair under my veil for 2 weeks when I was told I had too much hair showing?
Why did I let them throw away my John Denver music when they told me it was too worldly?
Why did I let myself be humiliated for using to much Scotch tape on my May crown?
Why didn't I just say no?

Others were braver and bolder than I.  They pretty much told the nuns to shove it.  I remember my friend, Tina, just walking out of the makeshift schoolhouse and walking away down the road.  I was thinking today - who do I admire?  I admire Tina for doing that.  It took guts.
I admire all of those stood up to authority and said no, not going to do it.
Why didn't I?  I was so scared, for years & years & years.  Bernie would tell you that I still am.  I would defend myself by saying now the fears are more real.  I don't want harm to come to my boys or daughters in law or my grandchildren.  I want them all to be happy.
I had no one to stick up for me.  My Dad had no idea what was going on behind the scenes, and I didn't tell him.  I prayed for him to be converted.  THANK GOD HE NEVER WAS CONVERTED TO THAT INSANITY!
Bernie and I were talking today.  I was talking to him about the time my mom called me in to tell me that the Radecki's were hiding out at our house in Montana.  Of course, I had assumed she was going to tell me that she and my Dad were getting a divorce.  What I told Bernie was that IF that had been what she told me, there would have been NO question about whether or not I would go live with my Dad.  No question.   Looking back today, my heart wishes they had.  My little Francie heart wishes that I could have had that choice to go and live with my Dad, where life would have been so different.  But, my Dad was a noble and gentle soul, and he put up with the craziness.  Little did he know.....
Still, I wonder WHY.... I am literally shaking my head as I type this.  What made Tina brave enough to walk out the door and down the road?  What made me cower and succumb to their every wicked command?  I wish I knew. 
And now I smile.  My life is not over.  I am strong now.  I would lay down my life for my family.  And if you try to mess with them, watch out.  Maybe it's been building up over a lifetime.  Not sure.
But, it makes me sad for that little girl who had such sparkle, such potential.

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