Life Outside the Walls

 May, 1977

 I had finally convinced my 'superiors' that I must leave the Convent.  They used every tactic to try to convince me to stay.  Above everything else, they used FEAR.  I talked about that incredible fear permeating my life in a previous blog post.

I WAS scared.  I was convinced that the world was out go get my soul and drag it to the depths of hell.  The power of the devil was everywhere, and my name was at the top of his list.  Our President at the time, Jimmy Carter, was most likely the anti-Christ.  After all, how could a man whom so few had ever heard of, win the Presidency?  Every facet of government was out to indoctrinate us into the One World Order.  We couldn't even trust the leader of the Catholic Church, or any of its priests or bishops.  They had all succumbed to the temptations of Satan.  I wasn't sure how I was going to survive all these onslaughts, but I knew I had to go give it my best.

To say that I floundered would be an understatement!  I left Coeur d'Alene and flew to Colorado Springs where there was a small group of "remnant faithful" who would take care of me.  They had a small chapel in the community of Black Forest, and a small school for their grade school children.  I found them to be wonderful people.  Theirs was a close knit group and they all wanted to help me.  I stayed there for a few months before returning to Montana.  My sister, Pauline, needed help with her children that summer, and hired me for babysitting.  At the end of that summer, I did odd jobs - mostly babysitting - and then, was summoned by schuckardt.  He had a plan for me.  I was still so immersed in the mentality of his cult, that I felt really honored to be called to meet with him.  He had such an incredible power to make me shake in my boots.  While honored, I was also terrified.  When he told me that the little school in Colorado Springs was in need of a teacher, I accepted that as what I was supposed to do next.  I would live with 1 if the families and get a small stipend for my work.  Note here that I did NOT have any teaching experience, much less an actual degree in education.  That didn't matter.  

I spent the school year of '77 -'78 with those families, doing my best to teach their children.  I was provided with the same books that the cult used in Coeur d'Alene while I was in school.  It was challenging - since there were approximately 7 children in 4 or 5 different grades.  Thinking back, I just shake my head.  I know those kids learned to read and write and basic math.  That is about it.  We took some field trips and had some good times.  But, also, looking back, I regret that I wasn't more fun.  I definitely towed the line of strict obedience that was demanded of me when I was in school.  Ugh!  I was  TRUE believer still.  I just wasn't in a habit.

After the school year was finished, I went back to Montana.  I took a job as a NAC at the county home for the elderly and disabled.  Ironically, it was the same facility where my mother would take my sister and I, dressed in matching dresses, to cheer up the old folks at Christmas time.  I worked the "graveyard" shift.  I was good to those folks.  I still remember some of their names.  I remember Emma, whom I had to get up to poop during the night.  She was probably in the early stages of dimentia.  She told me to be sure to "mark it in the book" that she had an 'extra large bowel movement'..... some things just stay with you forever!  

At the end of the summer, 1978, I again went back to Coeur d'Alene.  I was so lost.  Girls were not allowed to go to college under francis schuckardt.  Even boys were highly discouraged.  The objection was that the classes were co-ed, something completely forbidden under our dictator.  Of course, he never claimed it be his idea - he convinced those of us under his thumb that it had always been against the teachings of the Catholic Church.  And so, I did what I could to make a little money.  I did what would now be called "couch surfing".  So many friends were so good to me and let me stay with them.  It was during one of these stays that Bernie and I met on the sly.  I was staying with my friend, Dru.  While I was gone one evening, Bernie his best friend, Dennis, walked by the house.  Dru told me that they threw pebbles at her window.  When she opened it, Bernie asked if Francie was there.  I was not.  So, Dru told me that he said, "Well, tell her hi and give her my love."  Of course, when I returned a few days later, she told me this.  I didn't believe her.  I didn't even know Bernie.  What I remembered of him was when he was 13 years old, and hiding out at my parents' farm in Montana -- hiding from his Dad, who wanted to take him back to Ohio so that he could get a good education.

A couple of weeks later, Dru and I were walking up 7th Street, heading for Modern Drug.  Dennis, Bernie's friend, just happened to be walking his dog down the street. We stopped and talked.  Dru asked Dennis to confirm what had happened a couple of weeks earlier.  He did.  And, he told us that he was on his way to the library to meet Bernie, did we want to go?  I said no.  Dru said yes.  We went.  Dennis left us outside the library with his dog while he went in to get Bernie.  As soon as Dennis was out of sight, I kicked Dru and said, "I do NOT want to be here."  Well, then Bernie and Dennis came out and we spent a few hours walking around Coeur d'Alene.  You have to understand that, in spite of the fact that I was 20 years old, this was completely forbidden.  Young men and women must belong to a group called 'Cana Cell'.  (Note - wedding at Cana, where Jesus performed his first miracle:  turning water into wine.  Thus, this name was chosen for those who wanted to get married.)   None of us belonged.  If we had been seen together, there literally would have been hell to pay.  So, we snuck around the dark side streets, Dru with Dennis, me with Bernie.  The only thing that I remember from our hours of conversation was this:  Me: "How old are you anyway?"  Bernie: "Love doesn't ask for an I.D. card."  (I can barely type the corniness!)  Late that night, Dru and I snuck back into their house and went to sleep in the basement.  The next morning, when we woke up she asked me what I thought of Bernie.  I said, "I am going to marry him."  Thus began our unofficial, totally forbidden, unapproved 'courtship'.