Buckle Up!

It is a quiet Sunday morning.  The animals are all being good.  Bernie is at work.  The house is peaceful.  Outside, there is fog.  But, I know that the fog is going to lift soon and the skies will be crystal clear, the sun will shine, and the Fall colors will be stunning.  I hope this happens quickly.  My mood is dark and sad this morning.  I am crying.  I thought all this darkness and anger was gone.  Will it ever be?

What happened?  I felt so free and light when I made my journey to the past at the haunting City of Mary.  (Here comes the anger.)  What was it that I did that brought it back?  Was it visiting with others who have left?  Was it all the thoughts of family as Bernie's sister was treated for a possible heart attack at 67?  Hoping she would be ok, but then again, struggling with the feelings I have for how her family has treated Bernie.  Was it doing the kind act of sending her a beautiful bouquet of flowers anonymously, telling her that we were praying for her?  I am not sure...because it's been a few weeks since I started to again feel angry and hateful towards "them".  Or, it might have been the fact that, while I was recovering from my surgery, I binge watched the entire first season of "The Handmaid's Tale".  Or, it might be the occasion when I searched for something on YouTube and Pivarunas' pompous face was staring back at me from the feed along the sideline.  WHAT THE F---???  WHAT THE F---?  Seriously!  It might have ended there.  Might have.  But, the SICK curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to see what he had to say ON YOU TUBE, for God's sake!  So, I clicked on it.  Then, instantly, the whole sidebar was full CMRI, Pivarunas, Puskorius, Radecki --- bull shit.  All such bull shit.  But, why couldn't I help myself?  Now I know what they mean by the moth being drawn to the flame.  I was the moth... sucks.  Oh yeah, and there was YouTube of the dedication of Sr B's church back in New Hampshire. I only watched a couple minutes of it - because I couldn't stand to see all those holier than thou people, all better than me.  But, before I left, I had to leave a comment.  And it went something like - how beautiful.  Too bad they aren't really Catholic.  I made sure the reader would know that it is MY sister who is running the show back there, and how I wished that I could make her see the light.  But, because we are both so sensitive, it is something we can't talk  about.  I left comments on a couple other YouTube posts, and made sure that they knew my last name - because Bernie's twin cousins are priests in this sect. 

And, so, this morning I sit here crying.  But, did I bring this on myself?  Is it my fault that I went and looked at that crap?  I suppose it is.  But, I am so angry that they are still getting away with lying to everyone they meet about the state of MY Catholic Church, my Catholic Faith. And, I want to scream!  I want to scream from the rooftops that they are lying.  They are simply repeating the same words francis schuckardt said to them when they were under his "training"... seriously, as I listened to some of their speeches (which were sickeningly recorded and posted there) I heard THE EXACT SAME PHRASES, EXAMPLES, etc... that I had heard when I was a teenager at the summer seminars.  I WANT SO BADLY FOR THE GULLIBLE PEOPLE WHO FALL FOR THEIR SCHPIEL TO KNOW THIS.

I know I can't save people from falling for it.  But, it makes me so so angry, and I want them to stop!  I want them to be exposed for the liars and manipulators that they are.

Why do I care, I ask myself?  WHY. DO. I. CARE.???  And, I actually came up with an answer:  Because they robbed me of my childhood.  They took away my teenage years.  They totally ripped my family apart.  But, most of all - it's all wrapped up in one - they took a HUGE portion of my life, and I am angry.  I am approaching 60 - yes, the years I have left are fewer than those behind me.  How do I make up for all that I have lost?  This saddens me.  It makes me cry softly to myself as I sit here with Max & Kitty and listen to music from the 70's - my teenage years, which passed me by.... How do I make up for it?  How do I let all that anger go?  I thought it was gone. 

Back to work.....