It is a quiet Sunday morning. The animals are all being good. Bernie is at work. The house is peaceful. Outside, there is fog. But, I know that the fog is going to lift soon and the skies will be crystal clear, the sun will shine, and the Fall colors will be stunning. I hope this happens quickly. My mood is dark and sad this morning. I am crying. I thought all this darkness and anger was gone. Will it ever be?
What happened? I felt so free and light when I made my journey to the past at the haunting City of Mary. (Here comes the anger.) What was it that I did that brought it back? Was it visiting with others who have left? Was it all the thoughts of family as Bernie's sister was treated for a possible heart attack at 67? Hoping she would be ok, but then again, struggling with the feelings I have for how her family has treated Bernie. Was it doing the kind act of sending her a beautiful bouquet of flowers anonymously, telling her that we were praying for her? I am not sure...because it's been a few weeks since I started to again feel angry and hateful towards "them". Or, it might have been the fact that, while I was recovering from my surgery, I binge watched the entire first season of "The Handmaid's Tale". Or, it might be the occasion when I searched for something on YouTube and Pivarunas' pompous face was staring back at me from the feed along the sideline. WHAT THE F---??? WHAT THE F---? Seriously! It might have ended there. Might have. But, the SICK curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to see what he had to say ON YOU TUBE, for God's sake! So, I clicked on it. Then, instantly, the whole sidebar was full CMRI, Pivarunas, Puskorius, Radecki --- bull shit. All such bull shit. But, why couldn't I help myself? Now I know what they mean by the moth being drawn to the flame. I was the moth... sucks. Oh yeah, and there was YouTube of the dedication of Sr B's church back in New Hampshire. I only watched a couple minutes of it - because I couldn't stand to see all those holier than thou people, all better than me. But, before I left, I had to leave a comment. And it went something like - how beautiful. Too bad they aren't really Catholic. I made sure the reader would know that it is MY sister who is running the show back there, and how I wished that I could make her see the light. But, because we are both so sensitive, it is something we can't talk about. I left comments on a couple other YouTube posts, and made sure that they knew my last name - because Bernie's twin cousins are priests in this sect.
And, so, this morning I sit here crying. But, did I bring this on myself? Is it my fault that I went and looked at that crap? I suppose it is. But, I am so angry that they are still getting away with lying to everyone they meet about the state of MY Catholic Church, my Catholic Faith. And, I want to scream! I want to scream from the rooftops that they are lying. They are simply repeating the same words francis schuckardt said to them when they were under his "training"... seriously, as I listened to some of their speeches (which were sickeningly recorded and posted there) I heard THE EXACT SAME PHRASES, EXAMPLES, etc... that I had heard when I was a teenager at the summer seminars. I WANT SO BADLY FOR THE GULLIBLE PEOPLE WHO FALL FOR THEIR SCHPIEL TO KNOW THIS.
I know I can't save people from falling for it. But, it makes me so so angry, and I want them to stop! I want them to be exposed for the liars and manipulators that they are.
Why do I care, I ask myself? WHY. DO. I. CARE.??? And, I actually came up with an answer: Because they robbed me of my childhood. They took away my teenage years. They totally ripped my family apart. But, most of all - it's all wrapped up in one - they took a HUGE portion of my life, and I am angry. I am approaching 60 - yes, the years I have left are fewer than those behind me. How do I make up for all that I have lost? This saddens me. It makes me cry softly to myself as I sit here with Max & Kitty and listen to music from the 70's - my teenage years, which passed me by.... How do I make up for it? How do I let all that anger go? I thought it was gone.
Back to work.....